Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
A wise man once said nothing.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.