I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I need this for my side hustle.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Weirdos gonna weird.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.