major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Oh no
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?