Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?