[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
You Might Also Like
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Try and stop me.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Just me and my debit card against the world
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.