In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s