Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
You Might Also Like
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx