no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Danger is very dangerous
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
He took my last fry, your honor
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…