if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???