Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion