2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
You Might Also Like
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.