Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
pictures of spider-man
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
every. time.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?