I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off