opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense