Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
You Might Also Like
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
WHO DID THIS?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.