i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
You Might Also Like
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!