Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.