me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
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“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.