IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again