Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
peak technology
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.