Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets