If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
pat pat
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.