Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!