My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
You Might Also Like
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
#parenting
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”