HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
*seductively eats two tums*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*