“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO