[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
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“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
philosophical skeletons be like
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
felt cute might bury dad later idk