My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
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It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.