[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
You Might Also Like
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.