WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.