A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.