Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
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me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
welp
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*