You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I never know how much to tip a cow.