Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”