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*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.