There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
brian had himself a morning…
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!