[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
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When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Try and stop me.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The honesty is refreshing
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}