I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
🤣could you imagine
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together