The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
They’re called werewolves.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.