Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
all bases covered
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef