85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
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I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.