My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
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Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
guys i’ve cracked the code
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful