When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
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him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit