My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Science memes
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.