Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.