Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
You Might Also Like
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.