– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food