Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I’m good, thanks.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that