[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
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Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now