reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.